What would you do for your family?

As I move further away I only notice one huge thing, my family. For some reason I always comprimise my family for my wants. I do what I want and let my family fend for themselves in essence.

I firts noticed this in middle school when I was given an option, stay home with friends or go up north with relatives. Basically it was a weekend a long time ago where I was given the choice of staying home so that I can go bowling with Dan on Sunday, or I could ride up north to San Jose to go to my "cousin's" graduation party. I of course, stupidly, chose to stay at home with my friends. When my parents got back they showed me the wonderful time they had and I regretted it. I had chosen friends over family, and that is not how I wanted it to be.

Yet again though I am doing another faulty line and I had to travel all the way to England to realise it. I am choosing myself over family. Yes, in an American world that is completely ok and is normal. It is the I culture. But, like I tell everyone else, I am not American, I am Armenian and I do not like being a part of the I culture. That is in essence sort of why I left. I was trying to find somewhere where it wasn't all about the self. All about me me me. It wasn't until I got here that I realised that I had fallen into the American trap. I was only thinking about myself. I never thought about what this action would do to my family. I never intended to hurt my family in the process, yet that is all I have done.

I recently have realised what I am doing to my family. My mother is completely torn that I have left her. She can now barely walk and move around. She has to see a chiropracter once a week, and it's even gotten to the point where she is undergoing something called a ph treatement. It's something like her going in twice a week and having them do some treatement for her back so she doesn't feel pain anymore. And I seriously believe that it is due to me. Her life was ok before I left. She didn't have back problems, she was leading a normal and healthy life. All her problems began the day that I left. She also deeply misses me and wants me to come back home. She even says that she misses my "smily face." I mean how can you say no to that!

And then my brother is another person in need. Although we may always argue and fight I truly, deeply love him. And I may not say that to him very often, but I know he knows that, or at least I hope he does. And I also blame my leaving for his tragedies. He has no guidance in life. He doesn't know where to go or what to do. He has his mother and father both yelling at him to do certain things and they won't let him do the one thing he wants. He needs an older brother to stand up for him and help him, and I can't do that from far away. I have failed in helping my younger brother. I have failed in protecting him.

And so this brings me to once question, what can I do about all of this? Can I just drop everything I want and change my whole life for my family? Can I give up my dreams of living in Europe? Can I give up my dreams of being a teacher? Can I give up my rights as a citizen to go and live in a second rate country with a crappy political system? Can I change my job so quickly and adapt to a new lifestyle? Can I grow up so fast that everyone will think that I am 40? Can I be there for my family?

I hope my answer will be yes.

I am now seriously thinking about getting an accounting job that pays over 100k and moving to the states so that I can always see my mother and have the money to afford helping my brother. I don't know if I will end up doing this, but as of now, my plans for my future have changed.

What would you do for your family?

Signed,
Aram the Garmo